|
Rules
of the House
Dear
Fidos and Tabbies:
Please
observe and follow the new rules I have established for this
household. I have not determined what the punishment will be
for disobedience.
1.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
2.
The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is
not the object. Tripping me does not help because I can fall
faster than you can run.
3.
I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that---sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. And for the last
time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut before you get in, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
4.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
5.
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door.
RULES
FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:
A
- They live here. You don't.
B
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why we call it "fur"niture.)
C
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
D
- To you, it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier
to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
for college---and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
children.
|
